Top 100 Funny status quotes

1. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
2. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about
never happen.
3. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just
wanted paychecks.
4. Nothing sucks more than that moment during
an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
5. Never get into fights with ugly people, they
have nothing to lose.
6. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much
does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I
don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
7. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
8. The longer the title the less important the job.
9. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d
all fall off.
10. Never, under any circumstances, take a
sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
11. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was
blaming you.
12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in
a dark room.
13. Why does someone believe you when you say
there are four billion stars, but check when you
say the paint is wet?
14. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is
so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
15. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
16. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join
them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”,
because they will be expecting you to join
them, so you will have the element of surprise.
17. I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when
I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at
his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the
proper etiquette here?
18. No, I’m not feeling violent, I’m feeling creative
with weapons.
19. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You
only need a parachute to skydive twice.
20. By the time a man realizes that his father was
right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
21. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool,
than to speak and remove all doubt.
22. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good
for anything, but you can’t help smiling when
you see one tumble down the stairs.
23. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that
within a few weeks of captivity, they can train
people to stand on the very edge of the pool
and throw them fish?
24. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want
to nap when I was younger.
25. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if
you can prove that you don’t need it.
26. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you
down to his level and beat you with
experience.
27. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
28. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the
“people you may know” feature on Facebook
people that I do know, but I deliberately choose
not to be friends with?
29. The real reason women live longer than men
because they don’t have to live with women.
30. Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
31. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
32. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next 16 years telling them to sit down and
shut-up.
33. Politicians and diapers have one thing in
common. They should both be changed
regularly, and for the same reason.
34. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good
evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it
isn’t.
35. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
36. We buy things we don’t need, with money we
don’t have, to impress people we don’t know.
37. I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose
weight!
38. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto”
routing option.
39. A husband is someone who after taking the
trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned
the whole house.
40. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He
won’t expect it back.
41. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go
to hell in such a way that you will look forward
to the trip.
42. We have enough gun control. What we need is
idiot control.
43. My opinions may have changed, but not the
fact that I am right.
44. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
45. When in doubt, mumble.
46. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may
make you think you are whispering when you
are not.
47. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it
for hours.
48. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
49. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
50. Every so often, I like to go to the window, look
up, and smile for a satellite picture.
51. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember
that the Fire Department usually uses water.
52. Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you
may never owe.
53. The advantage of exercising every day is that
you die healthier.
54. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So
study hard and be evil.
55. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery
bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my
groceries in.
56. Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible
people.. Others have no imagination
whatsoever.
57. If winning isn’t everything why do they keep
score?
58. After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week
says WTF !!
59. Change is inevitable, except from a vending
machine.
60. Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the
dangerous they are.
61. Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
62. The difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
63. Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-
bye.
64. Our generation doesn’t knock on doors. We will
call or text to let you know we’re outside.
65. They keep saying the right person will come
along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
66. If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why
is it still number 2?
67. By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re
too old to play the game.
68. We are all time travelers moving at the speed of
exactly 60 minutes per hour
69. Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
70. I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective
covering for my rock hard abs.
71. People tend to make rules for others and
exceptions for themselves.
72. I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by
4:00 p.m. today.
73. Google Maps really needs to start their
directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get
out of my neighborhood.
74. Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it craps
on your head.
75. Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.
76. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine
for doing well.
77. Women should not have children after 35.
Really… 35 children are enough.
78. Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with
20% fewer letters!
79. I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning
when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like
throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said “I
don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
80. There are no winners in life…only survivors.
81. Some cause happiness wherever they go.
Others whenever they go.
82. Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
83. The hardest thing to learn in life is which
bridge to cross and which to burn.
84. I’m in shape. Round is a shape isn’t it?
85. The farther away the future is, the better it
looks.
86. There are two kinds of people who don’t say
much: those who are quiet and those who talk
a lot.
87. I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my
kids do you want?
88. We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten
out of ten die.
89. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone
else is willing to learn from them.
90. If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with
it.
91. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of
it.
92. I’d like to help you out, which way did you
come in?
93. To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her
girlfriends.
94. Asking dumb questions is easier than
correcting dumb mistakes.
95. Complex problems have simple, easy to
understand, wrong answers.
96. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of
it.
97. The winner of the rat race is still a rat.
98. If you think education is expensive, try
ignorance.
99. All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
100. Why do women always ask questions that have
no right answers?